This was the theme I was reading. I hate fasting. Seriously. There are lots of dysfunctional associations to fasting related to my time in the cult. Mostly though, I struggled with discipline, telling myself 'no'.
But wow, I was so desperate.
So I decided to go for it. Still afraid of failing (again), I only told my sister about my new discipline. I asked for prayer at church, anonymously. 48 days of fasting - eating only lunch and dinner, and only my whole food plant based diet.
I was so afraid of being hungry. Of feeling empty.
So I prayed. I begged for grace and began. Halfway through the discipline, I realized that I had been given grace beyond measure. I was terrified of failing, and yet each day my resolve deepened. I had tried 'dieting' enough to know that what I was experiencing could only come from outside of me. I was experiencing grace in a way I had never experienced before - I felt like a completely different person.
God had called me to fast. He provided me with the grace to stay with it. He filled me with resolve and purpose and determination. My feelings of helplessness faded as I accepted that it was God's grace fueling this fast. All He asked of me was my willingness to be obedient.
As the days went on, a truth developed in my heart. I knew it with my head, had read it all my life, but now it took root and I could sense that I was changing. I wasn't developing will-power or determination, I was allowing God to set His Truth in my heart - that in myself I could do nothing, but His grace would accomplish what I could not. I held on with both hands to this new truth that if God called me to fast He would give me the ability to do it.
As my fast came to a close, I began to wonder:
What else could grace accomplish in me? What larger purpose was God working out in my life?
Read Part 3 on Wednesday, Feb 3.
Did you miss Part 1? Read it here.